I went looking back through some old pictures of myself the other day and things got weird really fast. So, naturally, I thought I’d share it with you guys.
I was always a chubby kid. The funny thing was: I had no idea that I was a chubby kid. No one made fun of me for it (although they did make fun of me for having boobs in the 4th grade…). My weight was never brought to my attention… at least not until about the 4th grade when my mom said something, and then I realized I was bigger than the other kids and I started to feel bad about it. This picture is from the 8th grade (I’m on the far right):
Then I got to high school. Even though I slimmed out (not through any kind of diet and exercise - it just kind of happened), I still felt like the fat kid. I always had it in my back of my mind that I was huge - way bigger than everyone else. The funny thing was: I wasn’t big at all. It was all in my head. Please forgive my “Luke-why-in-God’s-name-are-you-taking-a-picture-of-my-fat-ass-in-a-swimsuit” face. I’m a junior in high school here - and I seriously thought I was huge. And not in that way that all teenage girls go, “oh, I am so fat!” My brain told me I was still that chunky kid from 4th grade and I 100% believed it. It was only when I looked back through these pictures the other day (nine years later) that I realized I was actually average/thin. If you had asked me last week what I looked like in high school, I would have told you I was a chunky kid. It completely blows my mind how wrong I was.
Then I went to college, where I lost even more weight without trying at all - seriously, weight just kept falling off of me (I know, I hate younger me, too). This is me after my freshman year:
But I still had my brain telling me that I was huge. And I still believed it.
Then I actually did get huge. This is me on the day of my college graduation:
And I didn’t stop there… This is me a year after I graduated:
The funny thing about that weight gain was that I didn’t feel that big. Not at all. I felt pretty normal/average.
And since then, I’ve managed to lose, gain, lose and keep off about 20lbs since my heaviest weight:
I feel good about that, but bad about my recent weight gain. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and I don’t like it.
The really weird thing is, though, I feel like now, for the first time in my life, my brain and my weight match up. I know I’m bigger than I was, pictures prove that, and I don’t feel good about it. But at least my brain is giving me an accurate depiction of my situation. I’m not huge - but I do have some weight to lose to get to where I want to be.
Hopefully, with my brain in check, I can finally start to accomplish something.
It was just a super eye-opening experience for me to look back through all these pictures and see the gaping disparity between my memories and the reality of these pictures.